At 61, I’ve discovered two important truths: life is far too short to worry about what strangers think, and you’re never too old to pull off a fantastic prank.
I’ve been living with type 2 diabetes for years, and yes, I’m overweight. I’ve learned to accept my body, although I’d be pretending if I said cruel comments never hurt my feelings.
That October, I was taking an overnight flight to spend Halloween with my daughter and her two children. My eight-year-old granddaughter had chosen to dress as a witch, while her ten-year-old brother wanted to become a vampire. I’d spent weeks stitching their costumes, adding enough dramatic touches to impress even a Hollywood costume designer. My suitcase was packed with candy and decorations, and tucked inside my carry-on, wrapped securely in a blanket, was a very special surprise for my grandson, who loved horror films and practical jokes.
My daughter often jokes, “Mom, sometimes I feel like I’m raising three children instead of two.” I choose to take that as a compliment.
I boarded the plane in a cheerful mood and settled into my preferred aisle seat, where I could stand up easily without disturbing other passengers. Unfortunately, the woman sitting by the window appeared determined to spoil my evening before the aircraft had even taken off.
She looked around forty, slim and perfectly groomed, wearing an expensive watch and so much perfume that I wondered whether she’d emptied the entire bottle on herself. As soon as I sat down, she examined me from head to toe and let out an exaggerated sigh. I offered her a polite smile, but she ignored it.
“Fantastic,” she muttered when a baby began crying a few rows behind us. “Now we have six hours of listening to someone else’s child.” Moments later, a man across the aisle opened a packet of chips. “Does anyone understand basic manners these days?”
Eventually, she put on a pair of expensive headphones, and I hoped the peace and quiet would finally begin. Five minutes later, however, she yanked them off in frustration. “You cannot be serious! The battery is dead!”
“Perhaps a flight attendant could help you charge them?” I offered.
“I don’t need advice from you.”
I returned to my magazine. A moment later, she poked my arm. “Would you mind stopping that noise?”
“What noise?” I asked.
“That horrible breathing! It sounds like I’m sitting beside a broken vacuum cleaner.”
I stared at her in disbelief. “I could try holding my breath, but I’m not sure I’d survive until we land.”
Clearly, she had no appreciation for humor. Trying to improve the atmosphere, I mentioned that I was traveling to visit my grandchildren for Halloween. Her expression immediately soured.
“Ugh, I can’t stand Halloween. Those disgusting decorations, creepy dolls, and awful masks! I can’t even watch a horror film without having nightmares. Why would anyone enjoy frightening other people? It’s disturbing.”
I imagined my grandson overhearing her comments. He would probably have a dozen pranks ready before she finished speaking. I simply smiled and turned another page. I had no plans to scare anyone. Not just yet, anyway.
About twenty minutes into the flight, I took a snack bar from my purse. My doctor had specifically instructed me never to skip snacks because I needed to keep my blood sugar from fluctuating.
“You’re actually going to eat that?” she asked.
“I need to,” I replied.
“Of course you do. Have you ever considered eating less? You’re already taking up some of my seat!”
I looked at her in disbelief. “Excuse me? I’m sitting in my own seat.”
She laughed mockingly. “Have you ever looked at yourself in a mirror? Your enormous leg is practically invading my space!”
Both my legs were comfortably within the boundaries of my seat, but I squeezed them closer together anyway.
Ten minutes later, she announced that she needed to use the restroom. I unfastened my seat belt and stood up to let her pass. She immediately snapped, “Why does it take you forever to stand up? People should understand their own size and consider the passengers around them.”
My face grew hot with embarrassment. Normally, I could come up with a sharp response without even thinking, but after enduring so many insults, I suddenly had nothing to say.
When she returned, she called over a flight attendant.
“Shouldn’t people like her be required to purchase two tickets? I can barely breathe because she’s practically crushing me!”
The attendant glanced at our seats before answering. “Ma’am, she is sitting completely within her own space.”
“Are you blind? Just look at her!”
I started to respond, but the attendant gently interrupted me.
“There is another available seat farther back. Would you prefer to move there?”
I paused. I had paid for that aisle seat, and the thought of letting such a rude woman get her way annoyed me. Still, spending another five hours beside her sounded absolutely miserable.
“Fine,” I said with a tired sigh.
My seatmate smiled as though she had just won a major victory.
Then I reached for my carry-on and remembered the Halloween present I had brought for my grandson. Suddenly, my embarrassment disappeared. I had to press my lips together to keep from smiling because an absolutely wicked idea had just popped into my head.
I carefully unwrapped the gift as if I were handling a newborn baby. Inside was a doll about the size of a small child. Its porcelain face was cracked, its black hair was tangled, and its crooked grin revealed a row of yellowish teeth. Its fingers were unnaturally long, and its Victorian-style dress looked as though it had been dragged through a graveyard.
It was positively dreadful. My grandson was going to love it.
The doll came with a remote control, which I slipped into the pocket of my cardigan. Then I placed my new companion in my former seat and arranged my travel blanket around her, leaving only a few strands of black hair visible. My former neighbor hardly noticed anything, as she was too busy scrolling through her phone and probably congratulating herself on getting rid of me.
I collected my belongings and headed to my new seat. I had barely settled in when a piercing scream suddenly tore through the cabin.
“WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT?!”
She had pulled back the blanket and was now staring directly into the doll’s terrifying face. Passengers throughout the plane turned to see what was happening. I leaned forward from my new seat.
“Oh, you’ve discovered my grandson’s present!”
“YOUR WHAT?!”
“It’s his Halloween gift,” I explained cheerfully. “He loves spooky things. Isn’t she adorable?”
“ADORABLE?! THAT THING LOOKS LIKE IT’S POSSESSED!”
I placed a hand against my chest in mock offense. “Well, that’s a rather unkind thing to say about a lady.”
Someone across the aisle let out a snort of laughter.
“GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!” the woman shrieked, frantically waving for assistance.
The flight attendant hurried over. “Does this toy belong to you?” she asked me.
“Yes, it does. I’m perfectly happy to secure it properly.”
The attendant explained that the toy was allowed aboard as long as it was safely secured. I returned to the seat and fastened the doll’s seat belt.
“I refuse to sit beside that disgusting thing!” my former neighbor protested.
The attendant answered patiently, “Ma’am, you requested that your previous seatmate move, and she agreed to accommodate you.”
I gave the woman a pleasant smile. “Don’t worry. She takes up far less space than I do. You should have plenty of room now.”
Several passengers burst into laughter, and the woman’s face turned bright red.
Back in my new seat, I felt quite satisfied with how things were going. Then my fingers brushed against the remote in my pocket, reminding me that my grandson’s new friend had a few additional surprises. The remote had three small buttons, each decorated with a different symbol. I pressed the first one.
“Khhhhhh… hhhhhh… khhhhh…”
The woman suddenly went completely still. Slowly, she turned toward the doll, whose crooked smile remained exactly as it had been.
“Hhhhh… khhhh… haaaaa…”
“What was that?!” she demanded, frantically signaling to the flight attendant. “That thing is breathing!”
I had already switched the sound off. The attendant bent closer to the doll, listened carefully, and heard nothing.
“Ma’am, it’s a toy. Perhaps the sound came from another passenger. Please lower your voice, as people are trying to rest.”
The moment the attendant walked away, I waited about a minute before pressing the button again.
“Khhhhhh… hhhhh…”
“MAKE IT STOP!” The woman clutched both armrests tightly.
A man across the aisle lowered his book. “Excuse me, are you having an argument with that doll?”
“It’s making noises!” she insisted.
He tilted his head and listened for a moment. “Well, at the moment, you’re making considerably more noise than the doll.”
She glared at him as though she wanted to murder him with her eyes. I quickly lifted my magazine to conceal my growing grin.
Then she spun around and spotted me.
“You! You’re responsible for this!”
I lowered my magazine. “Me? I’m sitting all the way back here.”
“You deliberately left that horrible thing beside me!”
“Well, you did tell everyone how uncomfortable you were sitting next to me.”
“That doesn’t mean I want to sit beside a monster!”
I gave her my most innocent grandmotherly smile. “I thought you wanted a smaller seatmate. I even found you one who doesn’t need to eat snacks.”
The man across the aisle burst into uncontrollable laughter. My former neighbor looked as though she might explode with rage.
And I hadn’t even tried the other two buttons yet.
Eventually, the disturbance subsided, and the flight attendant announced that the cabin lights would be dimmed for the overnight journey. Window shades were lowered, reading lights switched off, blankets appeared, and the cabin gradually became peaceful. Even my delightful former neighbor finally stopped complaining.
From my seat, I could barely see the doll sitting perfectly still beside her.
I remembered the second button. I had tested it at home, and it made the doll’s little eyes glow an intensely bright, sinister red. My grandson was going to be absolutely thrilled with that feature. I thought perhaps I had already had enough fun for one night.
Then I remembered her complaint about my breathing being unbearable.
I pressed the button.
Two blood-red eyes suddenly illuminated the darkness.
The woman turned toward the doll. For two magnificent seconds, she remained completely silent. Then she let out a scream so powerful that I half expected the pilot to hear it through the cockpit door.
“IT’S STARING AT ME!”
The entire cabin erupted into chaos. One man jumped upright and sent his pillow tumbling to the floor. Someone dropped a phone, while another passenger struggled to free himself from a tangled blanket.
“What’s going on? Are we landing?” someone shouted.
Meanwhile, my former seatmate had pressed herself against the window, pointing a trembling finger at the doll.
“Its eyes! They were glowing red! I saw them!”
Of course, I had already released the button.
The flight attendant rushed over and switched on the overhead lights. There sat my grandson’s doll, looking as harmless as a creature with cracked porcelain skin and yellow teeth could possibly look.
“Ma’am, what is happening now?” the attendant asked.
“Its eyes were glowing! Bright red! Just like something out of a horror movie!”
The attendant leaned closer to examine the doll. “I’m not seeing anything unusual.”
“Because it stopped! It was staring straight at me!”
“Perhaps it doesn’t appreciate your perfume,” a man muttered from across the aisle.
Laughter rippled through the surrounding seats. I bit the inside of my cheek so hard that it nearly hurt.
Then the woman spun around and pointed directly at me.
“She’s controlling it! I know she is!”
I raised my eyebrows in surprise. “Controlling what? I’ve been sitting here quietly. Isn’t that exactly what you wanted?”
The attendant turned toward me. “Ma’am, if your doll has electronic features, could you please ensure they remain switched off? We need to let everyone rest.”
“Certainly,” I replied sweetly. “I would never want to disturb anyone.”
I pushed the remote deeper into my pocket.
“I demand that you confiscate that doll!” the woman insisted. “Put it somewhere I won’t have to look at it!”
The attendant remained impressively calm.
“Ma’am, we cannot confiscate a permitted toy simply because you dislike how it looks. Its electronic features must remain switched off. Also, this passenger agreed to change seats because you said you were uncomfortable. Since then, we’ve received several complaints about your shouting.”
“So you’re taking her side?!” the woman snapped.
“I’m simply trying to ensure that everyone can enjoy the remainder of the flight.”
A man sitting behind her leaned forward.
“That woman hasn’t bothered anybody since she moved. You’re the one disturbing everyone.”
Another passenger chuckled. “At least the doll isn’t complaining about how much space it needs!”
Laughter spread throughout the nearby rows. The woman looked around the cabin, apparently expecting someone to defend her.
Not a single person did.
“Fine!” she snapped angrily. “I’m moving!”
The attendant found another available seat farther down the cabin. My former neighbor grabbed her handbag and phone, muttering about being trapped on an airplane full of lunatics.
As she passed my row, she stopped and hissed, “You’re a horrible woman.”
I responded with my friendliest smile. “And I hope you have a wonderful Halloween.”
She stormed away without another word. I watched her disappear behind the curtain before turning toward my old seat, where my little porcelain-faced companion sat with her permanent crooked smile.
For once, I couldn’t have agreed with that expression more.
Once everything had settled down, I caught the flight attendant’s attention.
“Would it be possible for me to return to my original seat?”
“Certainly, ma’am. Just make sure the doll’s electronic features remain switched off and that you put her away.”
“Absolutely. She’s created enough excitement for one evening.”
I retrieved my little monster, carefully tucked her into my carry-on, and returned to my aisle seat. For the first time since boarding, I could finally relax.
A few minutes later, the flight attendant brought me a cup of water. She glanced at the tangled black hair sticking out of my bag.
“Your grandson must have a wonderful sense of humor.”
I grinned. “He inherited it from me.”
She laughed before continuing down the aisle.
I leaned back in my seat, imagining my grandchildren’s expressions when they saw their costumes and presents. I could practically feel their little arms wrapping around my neck.
Then I affectionately patted my carry-on.
I had purchased that doll to give my grandson the fright of his life. As it turned out, she had already given me the most entertaining flight of mine.