Sometimes, second chances can hurt more than the original wound. That’s what happened to Andrew, a reader who wrote to us to share a deeply moving family story: what happens when an absent parent returns, but not to stay with you, but to start a new life with someone else? His testimony is a mixture of hope and disappointment, and raises the difficult question: is it worth keeping trying when love does not seem to be reciprocated?

We invite you to read his letter.
Dear,

I’m writing because I’m in a difficult place emotionally with my father and could really use some outside perspective.

My brother and I are both in our 30s and have children of our own. My parents divorced when I was young, so I never developed a strong bond with my father. He wasn’t there for birthdays, holidays or any other important occasions. However, our mum never filled our heads with bitterness. She raised us with grace and always said that we were free to have a relationship with him if we wanted to.
However, a couple of years ago, he resurfaced. Out of the blue, he got in touch, saying he wanted to reconnect. We found out that, during his absence, he had married an older woman who had left him a significant amount of money when she passed away. Shortly afterwards, he got a new, younger girlfriend who had two children of her own.

At first, we were hopeful. Maybe we could build something together, even if it was late in the day. But things quickly became complicated.

He invited my brother and me on holiday, but said no grandchildren allowed. He said he wanted it to be just adults. My brother was angry. He said that if his children weren’t welcome, then he wouldn’t be either. So we refused and thought that was it.

Our father did not take that well. He told us that we were being difficult and ungrateful. Before I had the chance to talk to him about it, he cancelled the trip and went away with his girlfriend and her children instead. It felt like rejection all over again.

To make things worse, his girlfriend called us his “starter family” and treated us as if we were an inconvenience from a life he was trying to leave behind. It’s hard to be around her without feeling judged or out of place.

Now I am torn. Part of me wants to confront him and tell him how hurtful all of this is making me feel. Another part of me wonders if it’s even worth trying. He has money now, and acts as if that entitles him to control everything, including how we reconnect. I cannot tell whether he truly wants a relationship, or if he just wants us to be grateful that he has shown up again.

What should I do? Is it worth trying to build a relationship with him, or should I finally stop hoping for something he may never be willing to give?
Sincerely,
– Andrew

Thank you, Andrew, for opening up! We know it’s not easy to talk about family hurts, especially when they come from someone as important as a parent. This is hurtful, and it’s completely valid to feel confused, angry or sad. However, it is also important that you ask yourself what is best for you and your emotional well-being, rather than just accepting the situation.

Here is some advice that could help you, and anyone else, through this difficult time.
Set healthy boundaries. Even if they are a parent, you have the right to protect yourself from emotional harm. If their behavior makes you feel bad, it’s OK to distance yourself or tell them that you’ve had enough.

Don’t minimize your feelings. Just because your parent has a new partner or family doesn’t mean that your needs and emotions are invalid. Feeling displaced is not immature; it’s human.

Have an honest conversation if you feel it might be worthwhile. Sometimes, expressing our feelings out loud can help us to move on, or at least gain a better understanding of where the other person is coming from.

Don’t blame yourself. None of this is your responsibility. The effort to heal cannot be one-sided.

Choose your own family. Sometimes the deepest bonds are formed not through blood, but through love, presence, and reciprocity. Surround yourself with people who choose you.

Seek emotional support. Talking to a therapist or people who have been through something similar can provide valuable insight and support throughout this process.

Andrew’s story reminds us that familial love should never feel like an ongoing audition to prove our worthiness of affection. Sometimes, the healthiest thing we can do is stop waiting for what was never going to come and start taking care of ourselves with the same dedication we expected to receive.

What would you do if you were in his position? Would you give your father another chance, or prioritize your own peace? What advice would you give to Andrew if he were here with you?.